Etiquette jokes

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?

You also have to learn to say no. For example: “Would you like a piece of cake?” - “No, I would like two.”

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

"Namaste, 6 feet away, or I'll blow you away with this AK!"

Little Johnny and his mom were sitting in church one day when suddenly Johnny said, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!"

Then his mom said, "Go across the field and into the bushes, hopefully no one will see you there."

Johnny comes back a minute later, and his mom asks, "Did you make it?" Then Johnny said, "No, but there was a box by the door that SAID 'For The Sick!'"

Roses are red, violets are blue, get the f*ck out, I’m trying to poo!

Why can’t you high five a Japanese person?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

Asking for a friend, could anyone please tell me how to politely ask a question for a friend?

What did the nose say to the finger?

"Stop picking me!"

What's the difference between a trampoline and a child?

You take your shoes off before jumping on the trampoline.

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

Women be like chivalry is dead, then don't say thank you when you open the door for them.

What is the worst thing to do at a funeral?

The corpse.

What’s the worst thing to do at a funeral?

The corpse.

Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

What is a kind thing to say to someone and what is a rude thing to say to someone?

Kind thing to say to someone: You are the most perfect you there is. Your outlook on life is amaz- (BLAH, BLAH, BLAH ENOUGH!)

Rudist thing to say too someone: You more uglyer than my mama's boyfriend. You are a son of a b word! Okay that is so much rude and why you can say that to a tree but anyway not the point. Bonus: The world's most weirdest name to say to a girl, is Nutter butter, we know that's a weird *and* stupid name because she is not nutter or butter she is a person not a thing! Oh well bye!!!!

Why did you put your dirty ass feet in my grits without telling me all this?

Because I forgot to wash and dry them with a paper towel.