Equipment jokes

A telescope has two uses:

1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.

I like dicks... sporting goods.

What does Marine stand for?

My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Your momma's so fat that she's used goods, like the Russian tanks.

Yo mama so fat, when she falls, they have to call 999 and a crane to pick her up.

If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

An astronaut has had a mid-life crisis. He decides to leave everything behind and become a country farmer.

He buys some land and equips himself with everything he needs. The following Monday, he's ready to go with his hoe in hand and is about to walk out the gate, but he can't get through.

Why, you might ask? He's got no arms.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?

One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.

I would tell a clock joke, but I don't have time.

Why do golfers bring an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one.

I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.

Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:

"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."

Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"

The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

What did the rapper say to the microphone?

"You're my closet confidant!"

What did the mic say to the rapper?

"Don’t DROP me, bro!"