I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says "my brother has just been hit by a car." The policeman replied with "OK then first I need to know your name." "Shut up" "No, I need to know your name." "Shut up." "Excuse me but where are your manners." "Round the corner picking up shit."
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said we will never forget 911. I thought i should hope not its your phone number.
I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain
When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.
Michael Jakson gets really ill so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there he says 'am i in heaven?' The doctor replies 'Nah sir we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward.'
A white dad,a priest and a rhabi all run out a burning school and the dad says “what about the kids” and the rhabi reply’s to him saying “fuck the kids” and the priest says “think we got enough time”
what do ambulances and gay men have in common? they both take it in the back and go whoop whoop :D
Me and my friend went to the park, after a while we grabbed our little princess and said "it's time to go sweetie" but before we could go someone said "stop them they have my daughter!"
Why did the tamale go to the hospital
tamalito
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
If stephen hawking has a heart attack do u take him to halfords or a&e
Person: 'Doctor, doctor I've only got 50 seconds to live'
Doctor: 'Just give me a minute'
911 what’s your emergency Me, my grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she’s dead Well it’s not a living room any more Me, hangs up
When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.
Why do they call me a firefighter? Because I find them hot, and I leave them wet!
Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves...today was the tip of the iceberg
Obama, Trump and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children! Trump Screw the women and children! Clinton: Do you think we have time...?
