Emergency jokes
What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
When the school shooter says, "Everybody get down!" and the autistic kid thinks it's Simon Says: 🙋♂️🙋♂️🙋♂️
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.
What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.
Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?
Friend 2: Pizza.
Friend 3: Donuts.
Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.
Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)
Friend 2: (Calling the parents)
It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.
Don’t worry if you have a stroke.
You’ll be all right.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?
One of them is an outside job.
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.
A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"
A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"
The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"