Dont jokes
A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.
The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!
The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”
A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.
I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...
Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?
Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.
Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!
Me: You can't kick me out.
Manager: Why not? Huh?
Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get the Chinese Daily!
Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!
Why did the butt fart?
Because they don't know the words.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby?
Both of their legs don't work.
Why don't stags buy drugs? Because they are too deer.
Why don’t you have a pet cheetah?
There cheetah you.
I don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
Why don’t you peel a banana?
It’s too hard to kill your nana.
You don't have any balls.
Why don't butts get along?
Because they can't stand each other's cheek!
Why don’t rappers ever get cold?
Because they have so many fans!
Why don't rappers ever become chefs?
Because they can't stop droppin' the beet!
Why don't rappers ever play baseball?
Because they're too busy dropping hits!
Why don't booties get invited to parties?
They tend to CRACK people up!
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!
I don't want to date an alien.
A lady comes into the boys' bathroom and a boy sees her.
"This is not a girls' bathroom," he says.
She answers, "I don’t care," she says, "I NEED TO PEE!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You.
You who?
Don't you get it? You're the joke, dumbass!