A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."
Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.
Doctor Seuss break up lines:
"One fish, two fish, blue fish, red fish, I'm breaking up with you, bitch."
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.
Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.
Thank you, nurse!
Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.
So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?
Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.
I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
