Die jokes

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)

Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?

American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"

Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

What did Michael Jackson say before he died, as far as his childhood? "This is it."

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"

I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!

It's muffi time, 'cause I wanna die, die, die.

How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.

If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!

Q: Mummy, how do most stars die?

A: From an overdose.