Die jokes

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

You fighting? More like you're dying!

Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?

Jack: Bad News first.

Mother: I'm dying!

Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.

Mother: *cries*

Jack was never seen again.

Did you know Stephen Hawking died in a game? The game was Happy Wheels.

Why did the skeleton die from laughter?

'Cause they broke all his "funny bones!"

Oliver Tree just died in a helicopter crash?

He doesn't have to worry about that because, according to him, life goes onionionionionionionionionionion.

Why did the man die of the actor's performance?

The performance was unbeLIVEable!

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

I'll unplug your life support for my phone that's about to die.

Stephen Hawking died because he was too far away from the Wi-Fi router.

Where is a place where people die?

Rosshall Academy.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of studying and dying?

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

Iron Man dies.

Stephen Hawking died because he accidentally lost his bluetooth connection.

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

At least when I fucked it.

Does anyone else just want to die, or is it just me?