Death jokes

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?

A heartless killer.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.

What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?

Til death do we park.

What did death say during a helicopter crash?

KOBE!

I have a fish that can break dance. Only for about 20 seconds, and only once.

"Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death"?

Maybe in infidel America but.... it is #1 in the Glorious Iran.

🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷

Yo mamma so stupid, she starved to death in a grocery store.

Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)

When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.

How are Kobe’s death and people in 9/11 the same? They both hit the ground really hard.

What did one casket say to the other casket?

"Is that you coughin'?"

I have a joke about death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Think about it :)

Q. What's Terri Schiavo's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"

Queen Elizabeth died a couple weeks ago. I'm still trying to find the reboot catd.

Luca’s Mom and Dad be throwing the kids into the fountain in the city, but they're sea monsters, so if they went to jail for that, they would be on death row anyway. 🤣