Death jokes

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Think everyone who wrote these jokes are dead yet?

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

"Everywhere."

"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."

"What type of book is it?"

"An autobiography."

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

Suicide is never the answer.

Suicide is the question.

The answer is yes.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.