I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i'm not gonna die the same way.
I don't call it suicide. I call it population control
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Do you have dark humor?
Actually never mind, I was going to tell you a joke about babies dying..... but I decided to abort.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?" Doctor: "To the morgue." Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor." Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave or does your mortician take it from you?
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
When I die can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
A fat man meets a skinny man The fat man tells the skinny man: "when people look at you, they think the world's starving to death"
And the skinny man responds: "when they look at you, they know why"
Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Whats the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”
