I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.
Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.
Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
Suicide is never the answer.
Suicide is the question.
The answer is yes.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
