Death jokes
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What did the rope say to me?
"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.