Death

Death Jokes

Rubber

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.

Body

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

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  • Autopsy

    A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

    Suicide

    A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

  • 5
  • Suicide

    My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

    I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

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  • Milkman

    A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

    Rope

    What did the rope say to me?

    "Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"

  • 5
  • Life Support

    My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.

    Susie

    Why did Susie fall off the swing?

    Because she didn't have any arms.

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    Not Susie.

    Lamborghini

    What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?

    I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

    Technology

    When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

    Murder

    After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

    But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!