I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you ;)
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What did the rope say to me?
"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere!
