What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
Stephen Hawking isn't really dead, he's just rebooting.
They named a road after George Floyd. It was a dead end, though.
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are.
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
What were Steven Hawking's last words?
Error 404 File Not Found.
Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.
