Death jokes

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

Stephen Hawking isn't really dead, he's just rebooting.

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.

"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.

"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head.

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.

"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."

They named a road after George Floyd. It was a dead end, though.

Suicidal people are groundbreaking.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

Why was I stress eating on the train track?

To wait to get hit.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.

What were Steven Hawking's last words?

Error 404 File Not Found.

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."