Death jokes
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up?
She had no friends.
Knock Knock (Who's there?)
Not Sally...
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
Stephen Hawking isn't really dead, he's just rebooting.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
bro what?
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
What were Steven Hawking's last words?
Error 404 File Not Found.
Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.