Death Jokes

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

It works, my brother has never slept better

A man is lying in bed with a pillow under his head. Text overlay: "DID YOU KNOW? If you hold your breath for a long time you can sleep forever."

Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.

Orphan: They're dead.

Me: A promise made is a promise kept.

A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.

I ran over three disabled kids.

"Cripple kill."

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

What's red and in a corner?

A baby with a razor blade.

What's green and in a corner?

The same baby three weeks later.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."