Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.
If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
I ran over three disabled kids.
"Cripple kill."
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?
What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people.
My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
What's red and in a corner?
A baby with a razor blade.
What's green and in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Ask your sister."
Girl: "I don't have a..."
Necrophilia in Alabama is fun for the whole family, even grandma.
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
