Death jokes

A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.

Orphan: They're dead.

Me: A promise made is a promise kept.

A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.

I ran over three disabled kids.

"Cripple kill."

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

What's red and in a corner?

A baby with a razor blade.

What's green and in a corner?

The same baby three weeks later.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?

They both look good hanging from a tree.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.