Death jokes

What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?

They both look good hanging from a tree.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

He's not really dead, his update failed.

A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.

Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?

The Windows shutdown sound plays.

I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...

she died the next morning.

A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."

What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon.

I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door

Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student: The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher: She drowned?!

Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?

Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?

The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.