Death Jokes

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

Mufasa, proof that cats don't always land on their feet.

What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?

They can't reach 30.

Alyas' dad died, that's comedy. Something not funny is like BLM.

How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."