Death jokes

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

Digging stuff up is too hard.

I guess necrophilia isn’t for everybody.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

What’s the difference between Hitler and Steven Hawking?

Nothing, they're both dead, one painted the walls and the other committed suicide by pressing ALT + F4.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"

I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...

What's an Emo's favorite drink?

Water, JK it's cyanide.

This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.

Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.

Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.

Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.

But he nailed that mountain.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since Kobe decided he’s too good to wait in traffic.