Death jokes
A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.
Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.
Want to hear an abortion joke, or any joke for that matter? You have that option, and you can thank your mother for that.
But that's a question that will never be heard by an aborted unborn baby, whose only option was death. And that's no joke.
What’s red and white and black all over?
A dead white man at night time!
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.
I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!
He died because he rolled too far away from the wall outlet and got unplugged.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off. Okay, moving on. You took too long.
How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge? (*Their reply* I don't know how many.)
3, Open the fridge, put the elephant into the fridge, and close the door. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? (*Their reply* 3...)
Wrong. 4, Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door. Why did Sally fall off the swing? A fridge fell on her.
My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.
What fell first, the emo kid or the leaf? The leaf, 'cause the emo kid just hung.