Death jokes
Man: Oi, dude, why did you shoot the orphans!?
Other man: Because.
Man: Because why!?
Other man: Because who are they gonna tell? Their parents?
Why did Mr. Peanut die?
His cane snapped!
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
Killing someone is better than killing yourself.
Why didn't the bitch ass skeleton fly?
'Cause me mum flew all the way and Trevor is a boofahead.
What do you sing on a dead person's birthday?
"Happy Death-Day To You!"
How did Steven Hawking die? His WiFi disconnected.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies? Windows plays the shutdown music.
What did the beachgoers in North Carolina say when there was a tsunami?
Nothing, they died.
He's dead.
POV: Your grandma is on life support. I would unplug her life support to charge my third phone.
Suicide
I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.
Son: Where's grandma?
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it died.
What's the POINT in stabbing people?
HAHAHA
What did the boy say to the noose?
"Can you please tie me."
Ever looked at a cemetery and thought, wow, Heaven and Hell must be crowded?
"911, I just crashed my car. I think it's burning. I can't see. It hurts to breathe."