Death jokes
Why couldn't the T-rex clap his hands?
Because he's dead.
I don't want to die.
THERE IS NO AFTERLIFE.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?
"Damn, that's really stiff!"
Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."
The earth used to be flat until your mama was buried.
Long live the quee—Oh wait...
Why did Paul Walker regret turning in his test?
Because his grade went from 99 to 0 in less than a second.
I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.
What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?
Fall Guys.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
When did Michael say, "This is it"?
2009.
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.
She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.
I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!
What did John Jay Smith say about Michael Joseph Jackson's death? NOTHING.
Why can't Juice WRLD hit rock bottom?
Because he's too high.
A little boy enters Michael Joseph Jackson's house with a doll, and Michael looks angrily at the boy. But the little boy says something that makes Michael jealous: "The girl is mine." Michael cries and asks the boy to leave. A child is saved, and more are, thanks to Conrad Murray and June 25th, dead pedophile day.
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.
I asked an angel, "How did I die?"
"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.