Death jokes
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
The other day while I was going down on my grandma, I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her!
Why couldn't the rape victim run away?
Because she was dead.
Ever looked at a cemetery and thought, wow, Heaven and Hell must be crowded?
A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."
What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.
Teacher: "I used to be an orphan once."
Student: "That’s sad."
Teacher: "Anyways, who is away today?"
Student: "Your parents."
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
Why can’t orphans have sex, my friends? Why? They have none to call daddy.
A husband and wife are crossing the street. The husband is explaining to the wife why you should always look both ways before crossing the street.
Man: "So you see, Dolly? You should always look both ways before crossing the street."
The man turns and looks to his wife, but she is not there!
Man: "Dolly? Dolly!"
The man looks around and sees Dolly laying dead on the street.
Man: "Dolly!"
What's the difference between an orphan and a dew?
One goes up and one goes down.
He’s not dead, just his storage unit.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
What do you tell someone who has depression?
Answer: Just hang in there.
There was an orphan once, and someone knocks on his door and said, "Hello, son, come and hug me." But the orphan says, "Excuse me, who are you?" and the guy says, "You don't remember me? I'm your dad." And then the orphan says, "Fine then, if you're really my dad, come inside and let me ask you some questions." And the man says, "OK then, but I am really your dad." Then the orphan asked some questions to the man, and the man gets some of them right, so the orphan believes that the man is his dad. And then the orphan says, "You really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house, and the orphan has a roommate, and the dad and the orphan finally get to the bedroom, and then the dad knocks out the orphan, and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan/son, and the roommate hears weird noises in the orphan's/son's room, and he walks in and sees them having sex, and the roommate records it but then kicks the dad out of the house, and then the roommate shares the video to the orphan's school chat, and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce, and everybody at the orphan's school calls him gay, but he really isn't, but since he was mad and disgusted, he pulled an AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.
Btw this is a joke so don't take it seriously.
Why can’t Michael Jackson go more than 500 feet into a school?
Because he’s dead.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
To die on the other side.