Death jokes
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
When did Michael say, "This is it"?
2009.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.
She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.
I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!
What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?
Fall Guys.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
How do you know when you're near Wacko Jacko's grave? When 'Thriller' is out and about.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
Who was most surprised by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide?
Jeffrey Epstein.
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
I added Paul Walker on Xbox...
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
Yo mama so fat that she would die before reaching the gates of heaven.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.