Death jokes
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
'Cause she didn't wear a seatbelt.
You're so ugly that I choked and died.
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.
Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!
Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"
Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.
"Death to the west!"
Yo mama's so fat, Darth Vader wanted her to be the Death Star!
I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
"Knock, knock."
"Orphan: Who's there?"
"Not your parents."
Yo momma is so ugly, she gets rejected by dead people.
I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.
My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.
What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?
His arse.
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?
Her dad always comes back.
Imagine. Kobe could not.
We don't joke about orphans unless they have family. Then we assassinate the family.