Death jokes
Why couldn't the T-rex clap his hands?
Because he's dead.
My jokes are pretty "bone-arifick," if I say so myself. Hehhehe... Get it?
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he was part of the Lazy Bones team!
What did the first skeleton say to the second skeleton?
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A tromboner.
Memes
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He got hit!
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
Did you know that lots of graves are put in churchyards?
Yeah, they're pretty holey.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
As the Navy SEALs burst into Osama Bin Laden's room in his Pakistani compound, his last dying words forever rang in the ears of the SEALs...
"It was just a prank bro."
Yo mama so fat that she would die before reaching the gates of heaven.
Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."
I added Paul Walker on Xbox...
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.