Death jokes
The 2nd worst thing that happened to an orphan was finding out the milk man passed.
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
How did we know Princess Diana had dandruff?
'Cause the police found her Head and Shoulders on the dash.
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
The orphanage said I couldn't go home.
Your dad is gone.
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He got hit!
What do school shooting jokes and school shooting victims have in common? They never get old.
What was the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
These murder jokes are just KILLING me!
Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?
Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
Stephen Hawking only died because he tried to install Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
What did Michael Jackson say?
Nothing, he's dead.
Congratulations to Avicii for passing his 3-day milestone of sobriety!
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
Robin Williams' death was the most horrible impression ever given. (RIP Robin Williams, you will be missed!)