Death jokes

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care!

Your dad's hairline was so long that he died.

I stood on the edge of a building and someone yelled, "Do a flip!"..... and I did.

I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."

The second one says: "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he died.

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

What is the difference between a leaf falling from a tree and an emo falling from a tree?

The leaf falls to the ground, the emo just hangs there.

My dog died today. 😥

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

A leaf and an emo kid fall from a tree. Which one is gonna land first?

The leaf, because the rope stops the emo kid.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat-mate.

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

"Death to the west!"

"Knock, knock."

"Orphan: Who's there?"

"Not your parents."

Yo mama's so fat, Darth Vader wanted her to be the Death Star!

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?

A 24 killstreak!

Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"

Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."