Death jokes

Why would a dead guy lie?

Because he can't stand up.

I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

Don't be scared of skeletons.

They don't have the guts for murder.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!

Hang in there, you all, Literally.

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Why did Stephen Hawking die so soon?

Because his misses bought the wrong batteries.

What does the school shooter do after he shoots a victim? He shoots more kids in them!

Anyone got any good Floyd jokes? I really need them to take my breath away.

How do you get a smoking hot body as a senior?

Cremation.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

Roses are red, I wish you were dead.

I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.