Death jokes

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"

Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."

"Death to the west!"

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?

A 24 killstreak!

You're so ugly that I choked and died.

My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.

April Fool's Day: Go tell an orphan their parents are back.

Orphan: Where... Oh.

I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."

The second one says: "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he died.

Why can’t Michael Jackson go more than 500 feet into a school?

Because he’s dead.

Me: "Cya"

Mom: "Where ya going?"

Me: "The orphanage to make yo mama jokes."

Mum: ...

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

If you killed an orphan's family... oh wait!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat-mate.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.