Death jokes
Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?
A. An ambulance.
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.
What does a dead baby look like?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The feather, because the rope stopped the child.
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
What do skeletons do with their organs?
They organize them!
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
Kms.
How do you make an orphan clap until his hands bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
What were Steven Hawking's last words?
Error 404 File Not Found.
When you're banging the class slut and the school shooter says to leave his corpses alone.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."