Death jokes
What happened after George Floyd went to the drugstore to buy Zicam Extreme Congestion Relief?
George Floyd was able to breathe again.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window, and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down, and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.
Penis, neck, rope?
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.
How do you get an orphan's hands to bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home!
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
No one:
Literally no one:
Abraham Lincoln: *dies*
John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*
They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
I put the fun in funeral.
What if death is hell because there is no bridge to heaven?
Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.