Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.
So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!
Death Jokes
God, I miss Stephen Hawking.
He was brainier than Kurt Cobain's ceiling.
Person 1: Why did you put the baby feet first into the blender?
Person 2: To see his facial expression. Why else?
Where did Stephen Hawking go after he died?
FNAF Sister Location.
Do you know who didn't graduate high school this year?
The Parkland kids.
What did Stephen Hawking's computer say when he died?
"ERROR"
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
Dark humor jokes are like kids with cancer.
They never get old.
What do you call a five year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?
When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.
Q: What were my son's last words before he died?
A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."
What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?
I don't worship Jesus.
Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?
Jack: Bad News first.
Mother: I'm dying!
Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.
Mother: *cries*
Jack was never seen again.
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.
Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”
Give Kobe a plane ticket, he'll fly for the trip, but give Kobe a helicopter and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS!!!
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.
Like this if you have ever had a family member die.
What’s the difference between an emo kid and a dead pig?
Suicide squad.
