Death jokes

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

What do fire and people have in common?

They will both eventually die out.

So Kobe Bryant walked into a bar, just kidding, he's dead and his fame went spiraling out of control.

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a computer?

I don't know, I have both!

Did you know my grandpa was in WW2? He killed Hitler.

Why did Billy kill himself with a TV remote?

He wasn't even REMOTELY close to being happy.

My impression of Michael Jackson's butler:

When answering the phone: "No, sorry, he's dead." *hangs up phone*

Why was there a box in a church? Because there was a funeral.

What’s red, blonde, and wet?

Saskia in grain.

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.

Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?

Because she's dead.

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

Kobe missed a lot of shots, but he sure didn’t miss the mountain.

Mother got shot, damn.

Father got shot, damn.

Sister got shot, damn.

Brother got shot, damn.

Auntie running away with a shotgun!

Toaster + Bath = The ultimate bath bomb!

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.

What do you get when you throw a pile of dead babies into a fryer?

Kentucky Fried Children!

What's it called when you eat those same babies?

Finger Lickin' Good!

Why did the skeleton not listen to the rules?

He was "bone tiba wild."