Death jokes

Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?

Because she's dead.

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly, or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

If a girl jumps off a cliff, some people call it suicide and some call it girl power, but I call it BULLSHIT.

Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?

A pentagon.

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.

Kobe missed a lot of shots, but he sure didn’t miss the mountain.

Mother got shot, damn.

Father got shot, damn.

Sister got shot, damn.

Brother got shot, damn.

Auntie running away with a shotgun!

My favorite bath bomb is a toaster.

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Toaster + Bath = The ultimate bath bomb!

Where can you find a list of dead astronauts? In the orbituaries.

Suicide: Turning one's biology into complex organic chemistry.

Why did the skeleton not listen to the rules?

He was "bone tiba wild."

Cut.

You really can't call Stalin bad. Just think about the people that wanted to die.

Why did the chicken kill himself?

To get to the other side.