Death jokes

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

What does it take to paint a wall red?

Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

I hate these double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.

My aunt’s star sign is Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten alive by a giant freaking crab!

Roses are red, violets are blue, if you play Fortnite, then R.I.P. you.

What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.

Why are orphans so bad at learning about ancient Egypt? They don't know what mummies are.

Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?

Because Sally wrote the invitations!

Why are orphans sad?

Don't ask, or their parents may... oh wait, carry on.

I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

To reunite with his parents.

The Earth was flat until they buried you.

Where did Suzy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!

What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

"Go big or go home," that’s what some people say.

"Go loud and proud," that’s what other people say.

"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that’s what I say.

How did Michael Jackson die?

Because he danced like a zombie!