Death jokes
My dad died, so I dug his grave. I was asked why I murdered him. I answered, "Guess we'll never know who did it because he dug his own grave." My father was William Afton.
What do you call a person with cancer?
A ghost with a body.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
My aunt’s star sign is Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten alive by a giant freaking crab!
I hate these double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.
Do you know the number one cause of death for lesbians?
Getting your fingers stuck in there.
If a baby dies in the womb, is it considered suicide?
What does RIP stand for on Maddie's head stone?
Raped in Portugal!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get hit by a bus.
If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.
Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?
Because Sally wrote the invitations!
Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,
but died on the cross.
As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...
What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.