Death jokes
Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?
I mean, the one I fucked died.
Cemeteries should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
Where did the orphans go when the orphanage blew up?
Everywhere.
My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.
How did we know Princess Diana had dandruff?
'Cause the police found her Head and Shoulders on the dash.
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
Why did the chicken want to cross the road? Because he was suicidal and wanted to get hit by a car.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He drove too far away from the wall and got unplugged.
Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."
I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...
Why does Kurt Cobain hate his brother?
Because he's always calling shotgun.
I was going to kill myself, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.