Death jokes

Why did the chicken want to cross the road? Because he was suicidal and wanted to get hit by a car.

I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"

Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...

I was going to kill myself, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

Me nan.

What's the best cure for aging? Suicide.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

Yo mama is so huge, when she was born everyone died.

A student was peeking in on a 10/10 chick, and the guy was about to nut.

The school shooter patted his back and told him to leave his corpses alone.

What do you call a downy under water?

Dead fish

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

Where would you take Stephen Hawking if he dies, the funeral directors or PC World?

What’s the difference between a mother and a fetus at an abortion office?

Only one of them is scared.

What's the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?

About 5000 calories.

I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:

If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?

What's white, red, and screams a lot?

A baby in a blender.