Death jokes

A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".

The tree never responded; it left him hanging.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them.

What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

...A girl scout that got hit by a car.

"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

What was the last thing that went through Aiden's head before he died?

His elbow.

What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?

The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?

The helicopter blade!

My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.

When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"

Cemeteries should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

Where did the orphans go when the orphanage blew up?

Everywhere.

Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?

I mean, the one I fucked died.

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

How did we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

'Cause the police found her Head and Shoulders on the dash.

Dad: I'm dying.

Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].

Dad: Really, now is not the time.

Son: I'm sorry.

Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)

What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.

What's better than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

One dead baby nailed to ten!

Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?

How do you think Princess Diana died?

...Too soon?