Death jokes
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
What was going through the student's heads during a school shooting?
Bullets.
A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?
The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.
Why do you think after death the angel says do not be afraid?
Search up biblically accurate angels.
What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
How did Steven Hawkings die?
His wife tripped over his charging plug when he was at 2% battery.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.
"I will see her in one week!"
A week later, he died.
I would tell a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.
I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.
Kurt Cobain's last job was a blow job. He blew his head clean off.
How do make an adult cry?
Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.
What can Michael Jackson eat in his coffin?
Nothing, only brown bread, what they call it! 😂😂😂
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.
God being a sniper is so fun!
Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.
It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
What time is it when you get hit by a car? Time to die.