Death jokes
What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan?
The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.
A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?
The helicopter blade!
What was the last thing that went through Aiden's head before he died?
His elbow.
Memes
Would be funny but I’d rather not get beat to death.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.
When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
Cemeteries should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
Where did the orphans go when the orphanage blew up?
Everywhere.
How did we know Princess Diana had dandruff?
'Cause the police found her Head and Shoulders on the dash.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.
Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?
I mean, the one I fucked died.
What's better than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten!
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"