Death jokes
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
Why did the chicken want to cross the road? Because he was suicidal and wanted to get hit by a car.
I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He drove too far away from the wall and got unplugged.
Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you canāt use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "Itās not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."
I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...
Why do people always talk about nine eleven???
My dad died that day.
He was a good pilot.
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
All zodiac signs have a hair style, but cancer is just a one-way thing.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldnāt remember his blood type...
His last words to us were, āBe positive!ā
What's the best cure for aging? Suicide.
Me nan.
Yo mama is so huge, when she was born everyone died.
Why is Stephen Hawking in hell?
He couldn't get his wheelchair up the stairway to heaven.
A student was peeking in on a 10/10 chick, and the guy was about to nut.
The school shooter patted his back and told him to leave his corpses alone.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
Where would you take Stephen Hawking if he dies, the funeral directors or PC World?