Death jokes

Me: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?

Me: Your parents.

Are you a gun because I want to live with you?

My dad died in 9/11. I'll always remember his last words:

Allah hu akbar.

Did you know Princess Diana's last dress she wore was white? But afterwards, it was red.

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

I killed a homeless dude, now he's at funeral home 😭💔

I killed a homeless dude, now she's at the funeral home. 😭💔

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

Kid says to genie,

"I want to be like Batman!"

Kid goes home, both of them are dead.

A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

Why does a leaf fall faster than an Emo?

The Emo hangs himself.

Why did the blind man get killed? Because he never saw it coming.

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

What’s Queen Elizabeth’s pickup line?

You’re breathtaking!

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

I killed my cat.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

I dumped the dead, disabled person's body into a dumpster full of rats.