Death jokes

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?

A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.

When did Michael say, "This is it"?

2009.

How do pigs kill themselves?

They commit Kermit-cide.

What do Spider-Man and suicidal people have in common?

They both hang.

I got you the candy. Haha! You idiot, it's poison!

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.

What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?

The pose!

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

Do you know the number one cause of death for lesbians?

Getting your fingers stuck in there.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"