Death jokes
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?
Because he's dead.
Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.
Why can't you kill a hooker?
Because they're dead inside anyway.
If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?
Q. What's a necrophiliac's favorite dating site? A. Find a Grave.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
Why can't Juice WRLD hit rock bottom?
Because he's too high.
I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.
Rip Juice WRLD.
I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
When did Michael say, "This is it"?
2009.
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.
What do Spider-Man and suicidal people have in common?
They both hang.
I got you the candy. Haha! You idiot, it's poison!
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"