What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
Death Jokes
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
What song does Kobe Bryant hate?
"Rocky Mountain High."
Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?
One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.
The man who invented Velcro died.
RIP.
I never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
What is a necrophiliac's safe word?
"I'm alive!"
How are corpses like pools?
Once you get in, it's only cold for like a minute.
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?
Eight dead people.
What did Tupac's homies smoke? His ashes.
It would've been too tacky to take a shot in his memory.
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
God creates dog.
God: "You are man's best friend."
Dog: "That's pretty sexist."
God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"
Dog: "....."
God: "And chocolate kills you!"
Dog: "🐶"
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"
