Death

Death jokes

Suicide

How do pigs kill themselves?

They commit Kermit-cide.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.