Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
......
What's the difference between Rorochan and skydivers?
One does it for the cash, the other for the views.
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?
You don’t need consent.
When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?
Alphaville - "Forever Young."
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
Who is not hungry in Africa?
A dead person.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
