Death Jokes

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

What’s black and white and red all over?

A crushed nun!

What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?

Slow natives.

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Cracking open a cold one with the boys.

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.

What song does Kobe Bryant hate?

"Rocky Mountain High."

Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?

It died before them.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?

One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.

The man who invented Velcro died Rip

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

What is a necrophiliac's safe word?

"I'm alive!"

How are corpses like pools?

Once you get in, it's only cold for like a minute.

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Eight dead people.

What did Tupac's homies smoke? His ashes.

It would've been too tacky to take a shot in his memory.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"

Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."