Death jokes
I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?
They both leave you hanging.
I have a saying. Whenever you find a sink, there's probably a dead baby inside it...
Did you hear about the dead artist?
Too many strokes.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!
The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.
When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
What do you call a person with one arm, one leg, one eye, and one ear?
ONESY.
“Hey dad, how do you kill a star?” - Give them drugs.
Who wants to hear the biggest joke ever?
My life.
What's the last thing that went through Curt Cobain's mind?
His teeth.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."