I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
We’re skipping April fools day this year, the biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country
So I was at a funeral the other day and it was a school shooting mass funeral, and the lady beside me asked me, “ what do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “ How dare you you have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “well they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?", the priest asks. "Christian kittens", the little girl answers. Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way. A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box", he says, "It's the cutest thing!" The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens", she says. The priest rushes forward and says "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were "Christian kittens!!!" "They were", she says. "Now their eyes are open".
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said “ That was the sound of the north wind. The next day his teacher asked the class “ What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”
Quiet kid: "I'm home!" Parents: "What did you learn at school today?" Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
when i sh one day, my mother told me that it cuter her deep, we both found that very amusing
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?" The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"
me: "comment if you love yourself and give me a reason" friends: comments give reason me: "notice how i commented nothing day later mom: let me see your tik tok me: shows her the video mom: calls suicide JK she just beat me for posting a video on her
One day I told my wife that she drew her I brows too high,
She looked surprised.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.
One day in class little Johnny was mucking around not listening to the teacher after 5 minutes the teacher caught him and finsh what she said and said little Johnny if you weren’t listening what was the last thing I said and little Johnny replied back you said what was the last thing I said
Sunday was a sad day but yesterday was a sadderday
I met a kid with Down syndrome the other day, he told me he was into rock music. Told me his favorite song was Down With The Syndrome. Kinda drooled while attempting to sing it.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
one day a priest loses his cock (chicken) he goes to the church and says "who has seen a cock" all the woman raised their hands "no who has seen a cock that is not theirs" half the woman's hands went up "NO NO NO who has seen my cock" all the nuns hands went up
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."
