Day

Day jokes

Murder

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

Butcher

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

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  • Kid

    Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

    Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

    Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

    Dad

    My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

    Missing child

    Me: Brings in missing child.

    Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

    Me: Oh, cool.

    NEXT DAY

    Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

    Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Memes

    Boy

    A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

    Office

    We're skipping April Fools' Day this year. The biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country.

    School shooting

    So, I was at a funeral the other day, and it was a school shooting mass funeral. The lady beside me asked me, “What do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “Probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “How dare you! You have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “Well, they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”

    Priest

    One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.

    Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.

    A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"

    The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.

    The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"

    "They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."

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  • Fire

    Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

    Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

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  • Fart

    Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

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  • Self Harm

    When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

    Fish

    One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?"

    The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"

    Canada

    Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.

    Eyebrow

    One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

    She looked surprised.

    TikTok

    Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."

    Friends: comments give reason.

    Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."

    Day later:

    Mom: Let me see your TikTok.

    Me: Shows her the video.

    Mom: calls suicide.

    JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.

    Woman

    A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

    I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

    Sneaker

    I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

    Teacher

    One day in class, little Johnny was mucking around, not listening to the teacher. After 5 minutes, the teacher caught him, finished what she was saying, and said, "Little Johnny, if you weren’t listening, what was the last thing I said?" And little Johnny replied back, "You said, 'What was the last thing I said?'"

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