Day Jokes

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge”.

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt

“It’s really not your day, is it?”

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

I got a orphan a Iphone 6 I told him to press the home button he has been doing it all day

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’

Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator

Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222) so she went to the the doctor on 51st street (6922251) and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

Boobless

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words ... through the pillow.

I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.

I threw a lamp at an emo? i tried to lighten up his day.

A husband comes home from work one day and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."