Day jokes

Your mama is so fat.

She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.

Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!

Build your ex a fire, and they're warm for a day.

Set your ex on fire and hide the smile/evidence.

Why are hindustan bhai so good at Python?

When they are hungry, they use Python and take credit card information ;). You know what they say, you give a man a curry and he eats for a day, you give a man a language and he eats for a lifetime.

What month of the year has 28 days?

Answer: All of them.

Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.

The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

One day I went to talk to my friend.

"Hi John!" I said.

No response.

"Oh, yeah."

I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.

"Hope that helps!"

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

11/9 is opposite day. The towers fall on the planes instead of 9/11, way.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

"Goodness, that's what Post Malone sounds like?"

"Give me some pre-Malone hip hop any day!"

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.