Day jokes

My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.

Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

Why don’t Mexicans have sex education and driver's education on the same day?

Because the donkey gets tired.

I was playing hide-n-seek with my dad and he hid, but I could never find him till this day.

Your hairline so back that back in the day of your hairline, Burger King was called "Burger Prince."

Is it me, or was 9/11 too plane? I thought it would be more exciting.

I was doing some karate the other day at the studio.

They kicked me out because I was doing “kungi fui.”

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

One day I went to talk to my friend.

"Hi John!" I said.

No response.

"Oh, yeah."

I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.

"Hope that helps!"