Dating jokes
What does a lesbian bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
Person 1: I heard oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
Person 2: OMg!
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she can do better.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chick is you.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
Q. What do they call an ISIS terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
Jill went up to a bar to play a game of pool. Then Jack came in and asked Jill if she wanted to ride in his new car. She said, "I have to think." Then Jack said, "At least let me buy you a drink." After 5 drinks, he asked again. This time she said yes, so they got in the car and Jack and Jill rode up a hill to Jack's home. Then Jack said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise!" So Jack lead Jill to his room then said, "Open your eyes!" So Jill opened her eyes, then Jack got them some red wine. Jack got drunk and unzipped his fly and Jack said, "I know you wanna." She said, "No way!" So Jack gave her one more drink, then she passed out. Then Jack ripped all his clothes off. Then he did the same to Jill. Then he did it till 3am.
Dating a German is great because they don't play mind games; they just provide a detailed, 40-page PDF explaining exactly why you are wrong.
Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.
There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.
Ever notice 9-1-1 (the number for the po-po) is the Great Date (9-11)... Hmmm.
Gwen, this needs to stop, so please, this is not a dating website, go on Tinder or something, just not here. Hate me if it makes you feel better, but this is sickening!
What is white, blue eyed, blonde haired and somehow was made in Galilee during the Roman occupation?
An Italian Renaissance painting that was carbon dated.
Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
FIRST DATE
Man: "I work with animals every day." Woman: "Oh, how sweet! What is it that you do?" Man: "I'm a butcher..."
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
Kariana: Dad and mom, what is this bullshit?
Treon: How did you find that?!
Kariana: It was under the cabinet where you told me to put the streamers. I found these under the cabinet, did she have another sister you didn't tell me about? Now tell the truth, or else!
Petina: Now what have we told you about going into things that are not yours!
Kariana: I just told you to say the fricking truth, now who is Faineni? Where is she? Who is she? What is her date of birth? Why do I have her bra under here and why....IS IT UNDER THE FRICKING CABINET!!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!
Treon: We can't!
Kariana: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.