Dark Humor
Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?
What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.
In my free time, I like to help blind people.
Verb, not adjective.
My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.
I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.
A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.
Why can't an orphan ever play baseball?
Because they never found home.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on how high your ceiling is.
What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?
Nothing, I cut both of them.
What's the difference between Kelly Clarkson and a Florida real estate agent?
A Florida real estate agent screws over seniors, Kelly Clarkson screws little children.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
"Just say no to drugs!"
Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?
Hitler knows when to kill himself!
What do parents and dark humor have in common? Some get it, and some don't.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”