Dark Humor
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.
Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."
Dark humor is like water, some people get it, some people don’t.
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
I was playing hide-n-seek with my dad and he hid, but I could never find him till this day.
I started crying when Dad was chopping onions.
Onions was a good dog.
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
What were the balloon's last words to his Father?
"Watch me, Pop!"
If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.
If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.
What's worse than 100 dead babies in a skip?
The one that's still alive in the middle trying to eat its way out.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.
Q: What do hookers and kittens have in common?
A: They both get dumped on deserted back roads.
Why were the Twin Towers mad at 9/11?
They ordered a pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.
Your taste in men is like my taste in humor: dark.
Where was Stephen Hawking born?
Under a coconut tree.
I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.
What part of a vegetable can’t you eat?
The wheelchair. 😑
My girlfriend's a two, but she's turning three tomorrow.
How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.