Dark Humor

Why don't we have female magicians?

'Cause the last ones got hanged.

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

Why did the emo step in front of a car? To get to the other side.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

When a clock goes forward, it goes "tic-tac," but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic.

Q: Why was the Tower of Pisa leaning?

A: Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

What's common between the penis and a Rubik's cube?

Both get hard when we play with them.

I was asked to design a website for an orphanage, so I decided to design it without the home page.

Me: You have terrible jokes.

Mum: Shows me a mirror.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

Q: What's the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist?

A: At least one does something when it is triggered.

Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

What's terrible? Three dead babies nailed to one tree.

What's worse than that? One dead baby nailed to three trees.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'