Dark Humor

All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

Steven Hawking had dark humor.

Whenever he turned on his laugh effect, it diverted power from his screen brightness.

See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"

What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."

Stop ruining the jokes. It's called "worst jokes ever" for a reason. We all feel bad for orphans, but people like dark humor and joke about everyone, so quit being offended, please.

I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!

Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.

What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini.

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

What is red and very rare?

A child in a blender.

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.

The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.

How many babies does it take to light up a basement?

I don't know, my basement is still dark.