Dark Humor
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
In my free time, I like to help blind people.
Verb, not adjective.
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?
Hitler knows when to kill himself!
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
These murder jokes are just KILLING me!
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."
What do a mag and a clip have in common? They are both good at school.
How do terrorists feed their children?
Here comes the airplane.
I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
Elmo, stop penetrating the orphan!