Dark Humor

A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying, and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her, then jogs away.

The next day, he finds her crying again, and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day, the man sees her crying and asks her thrice. She tells him she has never been fucked. The man picks her up and throws her in the pond, telling her, "You're fucked now!"

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.

How many babies does it take to light up a basement?

I don't know, my basement is still dark.

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

A cannibal went to the dietitian, and he got told to eat more vegetables, so he ate a disabled person.

I bought an orphan kid an iPhone.

Guess what? It had no home button.

What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?

They are both twisted.

Teacher: Hey Timmy (the quiet kid), what comes after X?

The quiet kid: Splosion.

Teacher: What comes after A?

The quiet kid: AK-47.

Teacher: Faints.

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

What does a depressed person and a jacket have in common?

They’re both hanging in the closet.

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.

What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

One actually finished a race.

What's the difference between anal rape and a microwave?

A microwave won't brown your meat.

what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?

I don't bowl.

What's a priest's favorite toy?

A mute little boy.

Q. How do U get the emo out of the tree?

A. Cut the rope.