Danger jokes
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
So, once upon a time, there was a man who lived in his house with his wife.
He got up to go out to work and closed the front door behind him.
Not even four seconds later, he came back inside panicking, saying, "There's a rabbit with a gun outside!"
The wife replied, "Oh, don't worry, rabbits don't have guns. They can't shoot people; you must be imagining things."
The man calmed down for a few minutes, and after some reassuring, he eventually decided to try to go back out to work again.
So he stepped outside the front door, and the rabbit shot him.
My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."
Why did the fire not burn the kid? Because it had no lips.
Why did the blonde run outside naked?
She thought the steam was a gas leak.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
When you are sleeping in class and the shooter sees you, then they wake you up and say, "Let’s team up," like, what the f*ck?
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
What do you say to a kid in a trash compactor?
You looking a little square.
What's the same thing between a baby and a grenade?
They both make a sound when thrown.
I was looking forward to some toast...
So I took the toaster in the bath with me.
Q: What happens to KID who NAPs near a stranger?
A: He gets KID-NAPPED (kidnapped).
What's the hardest thing to do?
Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")
Little Johnny went to the beach, found some cocaine, and died. The end.
What's a knife's favorite person?
The victim.
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."
The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"
I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.
One day I threw a boomerang...
Now I live in constant fear.