A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White vans.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
What do you call a terrorist in a kids' swimming pool?
A bath bomb.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
How to kill a blind person.
Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?
A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
Where did Johnny go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
What do you call a swimming terrorist?
A bath bomb.
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.
