Roses are red. Walls are made of plaster. Schoolchildren can move fast, But bullets can move faster.
Is it normal my emo cousin's hobby is tying himself to train tracks?
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that... I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.
What is yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of kids.
I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
What is the most dangerous mountain? Kilimanjaro.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a blow dryer.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."
