Danger

Danger jokes

Land Mine

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

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  • Slide

    If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered "suislide"?

    Asking for a friend.

    Rape

    Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

    Fire

    Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

    Reason

    The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.

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  • Portal

    Me walking in to the office:

    Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

    Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

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  • Incest

    A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

    She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

    The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

    The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

    Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

    Roulette

    I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

    Crime

    Stop hating on pedos; at least they drive slow in a school zone, smh 🤣

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  • Bleach

    My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

    Keyboard

    My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

    Wheelchair

    My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

    Johnny Depp

    I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.

    Skill

    I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

    Pedophile

    what did the pedophile say to the kid?

    "Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

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  • Mafia

    What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

    One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.