What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?
Raped.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered "suislide"?
Asking for a friend.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
Stop hating on pedos; at least they drive slow in a school zone, smh 🤣
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
The toaster;
otherwise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.
I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.
I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.
What do the mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
When the school shooter is right outside the classroom window, and the autistic kid starts trying to say hello to him.
