what did the pedophile say to the kid?
"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.
Everyone else in the minefield...
Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.
What do you say to a guy with Down syndrome who’s on top of a sky scraper? "Jump!"
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
When the school shooter throws a smoke bomb into the classroom, and the autistic kid thinks it's a dance party.
I gave a blind kid a pistol and said it was a hairdryer.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
What is red and goes 200 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
What is an Iraqi kid's favorite game?
Minesweeper.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair coming out of a building on fire? Hot wheels.
What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...
A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.
Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
