Danger Jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

I went scuba diving last year. It was fun, but at the end, I ran out of oxygen.

It was a breathtaking experience.

What's the difference between a yandere and a gun?

Nothing.

Flip them off the wrong way and you're dead.

Q: Why did the blind man fall into the well?

A: Because he couldn't see that well.

Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"

Mom: "He got inside a white van."

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.

Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?

They'll end up only throwing the pin.

A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.

How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

God creating cats.

GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.

ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?

GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

How many times does 42 go into 9?

Get in the van to find out.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"