I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
Danger Jokes
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
What's green and is dangerous?
Kermit with a flip knife.
Why did Little Sally get hurt while playing soccer?
Because she fell into a minefield.
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
Why did the man put himself on fire?
To BURN Calories.
What is the best type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."
Today, my mother was making breakfast. As she was tired, my brother asked if there was anything to do today.
She responded with a list:
- Take out the trash.
- Clean your room.
- Make lunch and be sure to butter the electrical sockets.
That’s all sweetie!
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Where is a place where people die?
Rosshall Academy.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
