Dad jokes

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"

The mom and dad left the child because they were famous and rich, like rich monkeys.

Dad, I love you.

Son, I love you.

Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

If your dad didn't bring the milk, what are you dipping your cookies in?

What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

Rapunzel's hair is longer than your dad's existence.

Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"

Marvin: "I don’t believe that."

Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"

The next morning,

Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"

*Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*

Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

Orphans always dip their Oreos in water, hoping their dad comes back with the milk.

Son: I love you, Dad.

Dad gets in car and drives away.

Why do people always talk about nine eleven???

My dad died that day.

He was a good pilot.

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"

How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.

Why did the orphan kill himself when he found out who his dad was? Because he found out his dad was Donald Trump.